Joining The "Not Buying It" Crowd

I really didn't accomplish much this week besides going to work, doing my job, and coming home to collapse.  I've had a horrendous cold since early in the week.  On Tuesday I was just sneezing and a little sniffly, which prompted me to wonder if I was finally developing the hay fever that the rest of the family suffers with every spring.  But no ... Wednesday at work I went through one boxes of tissue in eight hours, Thursday's count was two boxes, and by Friday afternoon I'd lost count.  Friday night I started to cough, and I spent Saturday on the couch hacking, wheezing, and going through a couple more boxes of tissues. (good thing I got them in bulk, on sale, with a coupon!)  It's tapering off now, but I'm still exhausted enough that today I did the dishes in several installments, because after ten minutes standing in front of the sink I just had to go sit down for a while.

Big Guy did what he always does  -  he made a big pot of from-scratch chicken soup and kept bringing me bowls of it  -  lovely stuff, full of bite-sized chicken chunks, onions, celery, carrots, lots of garlic and ginger, and egg noodles.  It makes me feel better, at least for a little while ... in fact, I'll be taking a thermos of soup to work for lunch tomorrow.

I spent a lot of the weekend browsing a variety of blogs, following links from one to another, and I was surprised at how many bloggers are on the "Not Buying It" bandwagon.  Not because it's a novel idea  -  I've pretty much lived that way for most of my life  -  but because so many people use that particular label.  Is it easier to be frugal as part of a group?  Does not spending money feel more comfortable if you can see how many others aren't spending money either?  I'm not putting them down for it  -  in fact, I can't help wondering if I'd do better at the whole saving/not spending/paying down debt thing if I followed their example.

So ... as of today, I'm going to actually track every cent I spend, and post the details  -  starting with the generic cold capsules I hauled my poor aching, wheezing self out to get this morning.  Maybe someone can suggest areas where I could spend less, or even items I could eliminate entirely.  I don't pretend to be an expert, and I'm always open to new ideas.  Oh, and just so the tracking will make more sense  -  Big Guy and I have an arrangement.  Since he does almost all the cooking, he pays for the groceries, and I pay the household bills  -  hydro, gas, phone/cable/internet.  So those categories won't show in the sidebar, and neither will our mortgage payments.  What I'll be tracking is just my own personal spending, not the household budget.  The goal is to make myself more aware of what I'm spending on "extras"; we're already pretty darn careful about what we lay out for necessities.  For instance, the coffee we buy as part of the regular groceries won't be listed, but if I treat myself to a pound of a specialty blend I will show it.  I'm still debating whether to show what I spend on my monthly transit pass  -  it's expensive, but it's necessary.  Driving to work (especially with the cost of parking downtown) would cost at least three times as much ... so I don't think the pass can really be called an "extra".  What do you think?

I'm also making a list in the back of my current all-purpose notebook of all the things I have enough of that I don't need to buy more no matter how good the sale price is.  Thanks to my long-standing habit of stocking up when the price is right,  it should be at least two years before I'll be buying office supplies, shower gel, deodorant, hair ties, shampoo, sewing notions, underwear, garbage bags, greeting cards ... the actual list is far more detailed, but you get the idea.

I will have to bite the bullet very soon and buy a new pair of running shoes.  Actually, skateboard shoes, which are far more comfortable (they're wider, and I have square feet and a ridiculously high arch) and don't have the big ugly clunky soles that almost all women's "running" shoes seem to have these days.  I pretty much live in those shoes, unless there's snow  -  our neighbourhood doesn't have sidewalks except on the main streets, and I'm not about to ruin my good/dress/office shoes by commuting daily through mud, gravel, and roadside dirt in them.  A pair of the brand I like best will run me about $75.00 on sale, but once every two years or so turns that from an extravagance into a practical budget item.  Especially since it allows me to make a nice pair of dress shoes last up to ten years.  Yes, seriously.  Shoes I like, that fit properly and don't hurt to walk in, are hard to find; when I do find a pair, I make them last as long as possible.  I don't care about fashion  -  and some of the recent and current styles are downright ugly  -  my "good" shoes are plain, comfortable classics that will always look suitable for whatever I wear them with.

Apart from the shoes, there won't be any clothing in the list.  This goes back to my New Year's "resolutions"  -  to work with what I already have.  As each new garment is started, it will be added to the "Current Projects" section of the sidebar, and I'll try to post a picture of each one when I finish them.  The sweater is almost finished, so (touch wood) next post will include a picture.  I'll also be adding a "Finished Projects" section  -  sometimes I feel like Alice, "the faster I run the behinder I get", and it will be nice to look at that list and reflect on what I have accomplished.

My Silver Linings

In retrospect, my last post ended up being more negative than otherwise.  It happens ... and I'm not going to apologize for it.  This is the one place where I can say exactly what I think and how I feel without being told how /why / to what degree I'm wrong.  That's not to say I feel negative toward my family very often, but when I do, I really don't appreciate having my feelings discounted or pooh-poohed with responses that translate to I'm either crazy, delusional, stupid, or a liar.

And now that I've got that off my chest ...

Last week was super-hairy-crazy-busy-overloaded stressful at work.  To the point where my IBS flared up so badly that by Friday I was spending half the day in the washroom and eating ibuprofen and loperamide like jelly beans.  Well, I knew that this week wouldn't be any better, but I was determined not to let it aggravate my system again.  So today, whenever I felt myself starting to react I just turned my chair around to face away from the desk, took three slow, deep breaths, and told myself not to take it personally.  And it worked!  I felt fine all day, and I still do.  Physically, mentally, emotionally.  So tonight seems like a good time to think about the positives in my life instead of the negatives.

Cloud:  super-hairy-crazy-busy-overloaded days at work.
Silver lining:  a job I love and that I'm really good at (and that incidentally pays pretty well too!).  And every now and them, a client actually expresses appreciation.  It means a lot, folks.  If someone has done a good job for you  -  tell them so!  You'll make their day, I guarantee it.

Cloud:   man and daughters who think they are and will always be my number-one priority.
Silver lining:  man and daughters who are and always will be my number-one priority.

Cloud:  elderly cats who yarf up dead bugs in the living room.
Silver lining:  elderly cats who are still healthy, active, and interested enough to chase and catch the aforementioned bugs.

Cloud:  house that never seems to get clean no matter how much I clean it.
Silver lining:  it's home, and it's mine, and what doesn't get done today will get done another day.  (Besides, cleaning a house with a man living in it is like shoveling the walk while it's still snowing.  And he cooks.)

Cloud:  never enough time or working space to do all the things I want to do.
Silver lining:  I am never bored.  I really mean that. Never.

I may not have achieved as much as some people in worldly or material ways, but I have everything I need, most of what I want, and the freedom to enjoy it.  I have more, in most areas, than ninety-nine per cent of the people on this planet. I have education, security, personal safety and freedoms, health and health care.  I have a roof over my head, suitable clothing for the climate, enough to eat, clean water, reliable transportation, and work that pays a wage I can live on.  What I don't have (except when the IBS is really bad) is any good reason to feel sorry for myself.  Compared to most of the world  -  and any number of people I know  -  I am fortunate.  And, most of the time, grateful.

Maybe I'll Procrastinate Later ...

That's always been one of my biggest faults  -  putting things off.

Waiting for things to change on their own, waiting for the "right" time to say/do something, waiting to see if someone else will do it, waiting for the weekend, waiting for the weather to change, waiting until I've lost weight, waiting until I've quit smoking, waiting until I make more money, waiting for all the kids to leave home, waiting until spring/summer/fall/winter, waiting for more time ...

Waiting instead of doing. 

No more.  I'm finally tired of waiting.  Instead of wasting time, it's time to start making time.

Instead of wasting my lunch hour piddling around the internet, I'm going to take the sweater with me tomorrow and work on it.  After that's finished, there are always small, portable mending projects lying around that could get done in that time.  Craft projects.  Garden planning.  Bill-paying.  Writing projects.  Damn, even if I just spend the time doing my nails I'd be getting something done!

When I get home from work tomorrow, instead of flopping on the couch and just spending the evening vegetating I'm going to read, or sew, or knit, or watch my anthropology lecture series and really pay attention to it.  I'm going to pick one room to tidy up, or one floor to clean, or put in one load of laundry.

How did I get into this routine, this habit of always "later", always "after", never "now"?

For a very long time, I felt as though no matter how hard I worked, I never had anything to show for it.  I tidied and dusted and swept and mopped and scrubbed but the house never seemed to get any cleaner, and all that ever got noticed was what I didn't get done.  I darned and patched and hemmed and mended and replaced buttons and zippers and pockets but the pile never got any smaller, and nobody ever thanked me.  I went to work and paid the mortgage on time and paid all the bills on time and kept the pantry and the fridge and the freezer stocked, and all I heard were complaints about what I didn't buy, or didn't cook, or didn't fork over money for.

I got discouraged.  I got tired.  Most of all I got tired of being unthanked, unappreciated, unnoticed.

I got tired of never having the time, or the space, or the resources, to do any of the things I really wanted to do.

For a while I tried to turn it around by setting an example of sorts.  When anyone else did anything, I made a point of noticing, of thanking them, of expressing appreciation.  Well, some ideas are keepers, and some aren't ... it got so that they expected to be thanked and praised for things like taking their own dirty dishes to the sink, putting their own laundry in the hamper, hanging up their own coats.  So much for setting an example!

So I tried a different approach.  I stopped doing any of it, except for myself.  I did just my own laundry and mending, I washed just my own dirty dishes, I picked up just my own clutter.  And nobody cared.  Nobody noticed.  The house turned into a complete sty except for my own little corner of it, and nobody cared.  And eventually, my attitude soured to "if they don't care, why should I?"  And it was all downhill from there.  I felt like all the life was being sucked out of me little by little.

Well, I'm tired of being tired.  I'm fed up with being fed up.  I don't appreciate being unappreciated.  I'm not grateful for ingratitude.

I'm going to do whatever it takes to make my home a place I enjoy again.

I'm going to do whatever it takes to make my life a place I enjoy again.

And I'm not going to let anyone spoil either one for me any more.  No matter how much I love them.

One Step Forward, How Many Back?

It's been a difficult and disappointing week here at Chez Chaos ...

J catered a big party last weekend.  Apparently the party itself was a great success, her food was a huge hit with the crowd, and the word-of-mouth advertising will certainly pay off in the long term.  However ... the friend who was helping her with setup and cleanup wasn't really paying attention, or something.  Whatever her reason, all the clean kitchen utensils got wrapped in dirty, damp towels before going into the bins for transport back here, and some containers of food that should have been in the cooler were down in the bottom of the "clean stuff" bin as well.  Now, due to a hectic work schedule, J didn't get to unpacking what should have been a bin full of clean, dry things until Friday.  Result:  mildewed towels, moldy food, and two sinkfuls of dishes and utensils to be scrubbed free of mold and disinfected.  Between all of that and a massive post-birthday-celebration hangover, J is not a happy chef this weekend.
 
My workplace was seriously understaffed all week, due to one vacation and one nasty case of flu.  Between working through lunch and staying late every night, by the time I got home in the evenings I didn't have the energy for anything other than wolfing down a sandwich and collapsing into bed.  So nothing got done here on ongoing projects, and nothing by way of housework other than the absolutely unavoidable minimum of animal care, dishes and laundry.  To make the week even more hectic, our highest-volume ocean terminal lost all their computer systems for three days, which meant I was deluged with phone calls from truckers who couldn't get what they needed because "the terminal has no record of it".  Every one of those calls meant I had to print out what was originally booked, call the terminal, and read it to someone who would them write it down and send someone to the main gate with it.  Every three minutes. For three days.  On top of a doubled-plus workload.  Fortunately, the usual IBS reaction to stress held off until Saturday  -  which was a blessing at the office but has kept me from accomplishing much of anything at home this weekend.  Even the sweater that I'd hoped to have finished by now is still in pieces in my knitting bag. 

One of our downstairs tenants is having a really hard time finding work, and for the last two months they've only paid half the rent.  I'm sympathetic, but at the same time the money shortage is more stress we really don't need right now.  I'm going to sit back and let Big Guy deal with them about it; I already have more than enough stress to keep my innards in an uproar.  But if we don't see some more money from them this week, I may resort to cutting off the cable television and internet to the suite  -  after all, both are included in the rent, and so (in my view) have not been paid for.  "Need" internet access to look for a job?  It's free at the public library, which is within walking distance.

I've also come to the unhappy realization that no matter how much organizing and purging I do, there will never be enough space in my workroom to do what I'd like to be doing in here; the room is just too small.  The only way to create enough space would be to move everything I work with to another part of the house, and that's just not an option.  Somehow, I just can't see myself climbing the ladder to the attic to go through boxes every time I need a reference book or a spool of thread ...

We're not sure if this spring is really colder and wetter than usual, or if we're perceiving it that way because every time we finally have a little time to work on the garden, it rains.  In either case, it's frustrating ... we'll go outside and get started on something, and within ten or fifteen minutes the weather changes and drives us back under cover.  Eventually it will all get done; it's just hard to maintain any enthusiasm for it when progress is measured in slow, damp inches.

There were a few bright spots in all the gloom, though ... 

J was very happy with her birthday gifts; I gave her a gift card to her favourite frilly-girly-girl lingerie store and a month's supply of transit tickets, and Big Guy is taking her shopping for three new pairs of jeans.

The ornamental trees downtown are all bursting into bloom, and tomorrow is supposed to be fairly nice weather-wise, so I've already tucked my camera in my bag.  Every year I tell myself I'm going to get pictures when the trees blossom, and every year I either forget the camera, or it rains, or both.  This year, I'm ready!

Sister S and I get together at Mom's on Wednesday evening instead of the usual Friday, and it was a really nice evening.  I had to leave pretty early, but Mom had some good news for a change ... although the changes are small and slow, her health is gradually improving.  She may never get all the way back to where she was two years ago, but the improvement is noticeable now, and gives hope for more.  We're all very happy for her, and looking forward to doing more with her in the future.  Maybe another road trip ...

Friends D and J came over Saturday night as usual, and we had a very pleasant, relaxing time with several episodes of "The Mentalist".  When we run out of episodes we might move right on to "Stargate SG-1", or possibly take some time out for a few board game nights.  Either way, fun evenings with good friends, and without spending money  -  it's all good.  Next week it's my turn to provide the snacks, so there will either be homemade cookies or coffee cake, or maybe a big tub of popcorn and a plate of homemade fudge.  Good times on the cheap!

A Very Dull Week

This past week has been mostly a big heap of blah.  I'm just now starting to get over a virus of some kind that's been making the rounds ... no single symptom by itself was overwhelming, but added all together they made for a pretty miserable few days.  Runny nose, sinus headache, sore throat, upset stomach, and general achiness.  I did manage to get to work every day, but by noon Friday I'd had enough and came home ... and was glad I could finish up the day's reports etc from here and pass them along to be sent out; I don't like to dump my share of the workload on someone else if I can possibly avoid it.  Practically nothing got done at home, though  -  at least not by me  -  by the time I got home every day I could barely find the energy to eat before I fell over.

J catered a big party on Saturday, and apparently it was a great success.  I'm very pleased for her  -  she's worked extremely hard at this whole chef thing, and it's good to see it starting to pay off.  It's her passion, and we're proud as can be of her determination and her successes.

Apart from the above, about all I've managed this week is a couple of loads of laundry and the daily dishwashing.

Maybe next weekend I'll have something interesting to say.  For the moment, I'm going to go eat some of Big Guy's excellent corned beef and cabbage (and onions and carrots and parsnips and potatoes).

Weekend Reflections

Today is Ostara, the Spring Equinox.  The sun is shining, birds are chirping on the clothesline, buds are coming out on the trees, and the rhubarb actually survived the winter.

It feels like a good day to reflect on where I've been, where I am now and how I got here, and where I want to be and how to get there.

Spring  -  a traditional time for new beginnings of every kind.  A good time to take a look at what my goals were when I started blogging, and decide what worked, what didn't, and what new goals might be more appropriate.

Goal  -  get another job. 

DONE!!!  And I couldn't be happier with it!

Goal  -  quit smoking. 

No success there yet  -  I have cut down some, though, and I feel myself getting closer to actually being ready to quit.

Goal  -  lose weight. 

A little success, but I think it's time to stop focusing on the numbers on the scale, and put the energy into an overall pattern of living a healthier life.  Yes, I know, that would include giving up smoking.  But it also includes things I'm ready to do now.  Giving up "junk" food / empty-calorie-laden snacks, and walking more instead of jumping in the car.  That will be much easier now that winter is pretty much over.  Walking with my shopping cart to do all the errands didn't have much appeal when the weather choices were icy cold rain, icy cold windy rain, below-zero windy slush ...

Goal  -  de-clutter the house and keep it that way.  

Progress is being made, but so slowly it's hard to see without referring back to my "before" pictures.  There are days when I want to pile everyone else's junk in the middle of the yard and tell them to deal with it without just scattering it randomly back in the house.  There are days when I firmly believe that the house won't look the way I'd like it to until J moves out and Big Guy dies.  But every now and then there's a day when someone actually agrees with me that something can go, or pitches in and cleans a little of their mess themselves.  Those are days I treasure, rare as they are.

Goal  -  use what I already have to expand / improve my wardrobe. 

That's going very slowly, due to constrains of time and available working space.  The "improve" part is moving along nicely ... this week I weeded more clothes, and have two more bags of donations to drop off.  I've decided that it doesn't matter how much I like a garment  -  if it doesn't go with at least three other things I own, I'm not keeping it.

For office wear, I'm down to a base of slacks and jackets in neutral colours  -  greys, black, dark blues, and creams/tans/khaki.  Shoes?  Three pairs black, one pair navy, one pair tan.  Maybe later this year I'll throw some dark forest green or bitter-chocolate brown into the mix.  This neutral base will give me a lot more leeway in choosing colours and patterns for tops and accessories ... I'm all about scarves, actually; I have them in all kinds of fabrics, patterns, colours, sizes, and textures!  Now I'm looking forward to making myself lots of nice sweaters, shells, tanks, and tunics to coordinate with the neutrals.

My current sweater project fits so perfectly into this plan that I must confess I've even done a little gloating about it!  It's a longish tunic-y style pullover in shades of cream, charcoal, dusty pale blue, and cafe-au-lait that will look great with every pair of office slacks I have.  It'll look great with jeans.  It'll look great under a blazer or by itself.  And by this time next week, it'll be finished  -  last night I got the shoulder seams sewn up and the neckband knitted on, which just leaves the sleeves and side seams.  I can't wait to post a picture of it!

Goal  -  to spend less time just watching television and more time actually doing things.

This one shouldn't be that difficult.  These days there are fewer programs I actually enjoy enough that I'd miss them if they disappeared.  I need to get back into the habit of not sitting down in front of the television without something to occupy my hands, whether it's a knitting/sewing/craft project, or mending, or laundry to fold.  Or maybe put some music on, instead of the television, when all I really need is background noise.

Goal  -  get the basement cleaned out so we can start putting in the family room we've been talking about for years.

This is going very slowly  -  in fact, it's almost at a standstill right now.  I'm breaking it down into " mini-goals", for lack of a better word.  First, I want to get all of my own stuff out ... except for the big steel rack holding all the canning jars and gear, and the boxes of home-canned food.  Technically, the canning stuff is all mine  -  but in actual usage it's for the whole family's benefit, like the freezer.

I've been working with J  -  when she can spare the time  -  to get all of her stuff out, whether it's organized into bins in the attic, donated, or whatever.

What I'm aiming for is the day when Big Guy once again claims that he can't do anything in the basement yet because "there's too much crap in the way."  I will smile sweetly and reply in dulcet tones, "Yes, dear, and all of it is yours."

Woeful Wednesday

It hasn't been a good week so far.

I've tried three times to start the next knitting project, and every time I've ripped it out and started over.  It's especially annoying because I bought the yarn and the pattern together; according to the pattern, this is exactly the yarn I'm supposed to be using.  But I think there must be an error somewhere, because it is absolutely, physically impossible to get the specified gauge when I swatch with the specified needle size.  I had to go up from 5mm to 6.5mm needles to get gauge, and the knitted swatch was horrible  -  all loose and holey and it just will not do.  At all.  Maybe I'll write to the company and ask them about that.  Every other pattern I've used from this particular book worked beautifully even when I substituted different yarns.  It's a mystery.

Yesterday at work, we found out that a friend and former co-worker (at the company we all used to work for) had died that morning, after a long and painful battle with cancer.  It's just not fair!  He was quite a bit younger than I, had young children, and was about to be married again.  Yes, I know that bad things happen to good people ... and it hurts every time.

I can't seem to find the time, or the energy, to finish my sweater.  All the pieces have been blocked out, ready to put together ... and there they sit.  I don't know what it is  -  maybe that it's been cold and rainy and gloomy for what seems like forever  -  but lately, once I get home from work I don't want to do anything but just sit and vegetate.  I need some sunshine, dammit!