That's always been one of my biggest faults - putting things off.
Waiting for things to change on their own, waiting for the "right" time to say/do something, waiting to see if someone else will do it, waiting for the weekend, waiting for the weather to change, waiting until I've lost weight, waiting until I've quit smoking, waiting until I make more money, waiting for all the kids to leave home, waiting until spring/summer/fall/winter, waiting for more time ...
Waiting instead of doing.
No more. I'm finally tired of waiting. Instead of wasting time, it's time to start making time.
Instead of wasting my lunch hour piddling around the internet, I'm going to take the sweater with me tomorrow and work on it. After that's finished, there are always small, portable mending projects lying around that could get done in that time. Craft projects. Garden planning. Bill-paying. Writing projects. Damn, even if I just spend the time doing my nails I'd be getting something done!
When I get home from work tomorrow, instead of flopping on the couch and just spending the evening vegetating I'm going to read, or sew, or knit, or watch my anthropology lecture series and really pay attention to it. I'm going to pick one room to tidy up, or one floor to clean, or put in one load of laundry.
How did I get into this routine, this habit of always "later", always "after", never "now"?
For a very long time, I felt as though no matter how hard I worked, I never had anything to show for it. I tidied and dusted and swept and mopped and scrubbed but the house never seemed to get any cleaner, and all that ever got noticed was what I didn't get done. I darned and patched and hemmed and mended and replaced buttons and zippers and pockets but the pile never got any smaller, and nobody ever thanked me. I went to work and paid the mortgage on time and paid all the bills on time and kept the pantry and the fridge and the freezer stocked, and all I heard were complaints about what I didn't buy, or didn't cook, or didn't fork over money for.
I got discouraged. I got tired. Most of all I got tired of being unthanked, unappreciated, unnoticed.
I got tired of never having the time, or the space, or the resources, to do any of the things I really wanted to do.
For a while I tried to turn it around by setting an example of sorts. When anyone else did anything, I made a point of noticing, of thanking them, of expressing appreciation. Well, some ideas are keepers, and some aren't ... it got so that they expected to be thanked and praised for things like taking their own dirty dishes to the sink, putting their own laundry in the hamper, hanging up their own coats. So much for setting an example!
So I tried a different approach. I stopped doing any of it, except for myself. I did just my own laundry and mending, I washed just my own dirty dishes, I picked up just my own clutter. And nobody cared. Nobody noticed. The house turned into a complete sty except for my own little corner of it, and nobody cared. And eventually, my attitude soured to "if they don't care, why should I?" And it was all downhill from there. I felt like all the life was being sucked out of me little by little.
Well, I'm tired of being tired. I'm fed up with being fed up. I don't appreciate being unappreciated. I'm not grateful for ingratitude.
I'm going to do whatever it takes to make my home a place I enjoy again.
I'm going to do whatever it takes to make my life a place I enjoy again.
And I'm not going to let anyone spoil either one for me any more. No matter how much I love them.