Changes

Small changes first ...  I've removed the money and projects sections from the sidebar.  The money sections because I got to feeling that I was only doing it to pat myself on the back, which smacks of gloating or boasting (both very unbecoming).  The projects sections because, frankly, it was too discouraging.  There are just too many projects I want to tackle that can't be done because of a shortage of time and/or money, and too many that can't be started until a gazillion other things are done first.  Whenever I looked at the blog, instead of being pleased with what I have accomplished, I was disheartened by all the things I haven't.  So those sections just didn't work for me the way I'd hoped they would.

And the big change ... a major change in myself.  A change not in what I do but in how I think about it. A change in how I react to what goes on around me.  A change in how I choose to feel about, and deal with, life in general.

Up to now, when I've talked here about the green/frugal stuff that happens at home, I've said "we".

The truth is, it's mostly me.  Big Guy humours me a little; he dutifully shovels compost onto the garden and puts his newspapers in the blue box, he goes through the grocery flyers and asks me if XXX is a good price to pay for peanut butter, he takes all his beer cans to the depot to get his deposit back.

But ... although he says he "hates waste" ... he wastes so much ...

Time.  Money.  Food.  Water.  Energy, as in in gas and electricity.  Energy, as in flying into pointless rages over things that don't matter or can't be altered ... like the traffic, or the weather.  Any combination of these things.  Perhaps the most frustrating to me is his habit of buying all kinds of materials for projects that actually need to be done, and then talking endlessly about the projects without ever actually doing anything.  Case in point: the basement.  We've been talking for years about turning the unfinished part of the basement into a family room.  We have all the insulation, all the wiring/outlet supplies, all the lighting fixtures, all the shelving, flooring, wallboard, paint ... I've been chipping away at cleaning all the junk out, getting rid of what we don't have any use for any more, organizing what needs to stay, and so on.  Every time I ask him what needs to be done next, he insists that he can't do anything until "everyone gets their crap out of the way".  Guess what?  Ninety percent of all the "crap in the way" is his. I don't tell him that, though.  I just go on quietly working toward the day when I can gently point out to him that it's all his.

What scares me the most when I think of the future?

Him.  I love him like crazy, I have for almost thirty years, I always will.  But I worry that the time is coming when that love won't be enough.

He doesn't see money and debt the way I do.  I see money as a tool, to be used as wisely and efficiently as possible in order to have the life I want.  He sees it as what the world owes him to do whatever he pleases with.  When I decide I want something, I look for the best price and I save up for it.  He needs instant gratification  -  he sees something, he wants it, he buys it, he'll worry about how to pay for it "later".  I see debt as something that eats up energy and resources I'd prefer to put to better use elsewhere.  He sees it as a fact of life, something that everyone has and something that he will always have because that's just the way life is. 

Another thing that's starting to worry me arises from the dark side, if you will, of his declared hatred of waste.  He comes from a family of impulse shoppers and hoarders.  And I'm seeing the tendency developing in him.  Oh, not to the extent of some of his family, but it's there, and it's edging into problem territory ...

Our old dishes and cutlery were mostly mismatched pieces from the years before we got together.  Yes, it would be nice to have dishes that went together, to have knives & forks & spoons that all matched, but there were more important things to spend the money on.  We'd wait for a good sale on something we both really liked ...  Well, the sale happened.  We agreed on a set of silverware and bought it.  But then he went back to the sale and bought three more sets!  One more set went into the kitchen drawer, one set went into the camper, and one set he put away "for spares".  I hope we never need the "spares", because he can't remember where he stashed that third set.  Pretty much the same thing happened with the dishes; he's always had the mindset that if one of something is good, six must be six times better.  But we can't ever get rid of the old beat-up useless stuff we've replaced, because we might need it someday, we might buy a summer cabin in the woods someday, the kids might want it someday ... It's the same story with sheets, towels, lawn rakes, you name it.  If he dies first, I stand to make at least a year's worth of mortgage payments just by holding a tool auction!  As of the last count he has forty-three work shirts, eighteen pairs of sweat pants, three dresser drawers full of socks, and twenty-two plaid jackets.  Twenty-two.  Plaid.  Jackets.  Oh, and nine pairs of steel-toed work boots.  I don't think I have nine pairs of shoes unless I count in my gumboots!

So what does all this have to do with the "big change" in myself?

I've changed how I react to it, how I let it affect my actions and my feelings. I've realized that I can't change Big Guy, I can only change how I cope with the way he does things.  I can stop stressing about how he deals with money, and focus on what needs to be done that I can deal with on my own.  And I can concentrate on all the qualities I love in him, instead of the traits that frustrate or anger me.

When we make a shopping list, I keep it to what we need that's on sale, I go through my coupons, and I try to go with him so I can encourage him to stick to the list.  I can't stop him from impulse buying in the grocery store when he goes by himself, but I can make sure he eats before he shops.  I can't make him get rid of anything, but I can insist that he find a home for it where it's not going to be in the way of something we need to do or to get at.  I can't make him do things ... but I can quietly just go do them myself.

Like I said, I love him.  And I know he loves me.  But it's kind of sad, sometimes, to think of all the ways in which I'm now living my life around him instead of with him.

Debates & Decisions

When it comes to money, Big Guy and I are not always on the same page ... sometimes I don't think we're even in the same book!  This can often lead to what I prefer to call "spirited debates".

Our television is twenty years old.  Granted, that's still two years younger than my car and fifteen years younger than the freezer, but it's starting to suffer from electronic senility; the picture wobbles now and then, the vertical hold is losing its grip,and volume control is becoming a sometime thing.

However ... the big chest freezer, as noted above, is almost twice as old.  And it is also starting to show its age.  The gasket is starting to leak (unless you lean really hard on the lid when you close it), it takes longer to freeze things all the way through, and doesn't freeze anything as rock-hard as it used to.  This is rapidly  -  in my view  -  going to become an active health hazard due to incomplete/insufficient freezing of food, and I can see myself very soon simply refusing to eat anything that was in it.  Plus, due to its age, it cost a lot more to run, even full, than a new one would.

Now, we rely very heavily on that freezer.  We buy in bulk on sale, we cook and I bake in bulk, he hunts, we go fishing, we have a garden and fruit trees  -  we need a freezer we can depend on.  And this one is rapidly approaching the point where we can't depend on it.

Here's where the "spirited debate" ensues ... 

He sees the television in the living room every day.  He doesn't see the freezer in the basement every day.  Therefore the television takes up more space in his conscious mind, and so to him is more of a priority on the list of things needing replacement.  Every point I try to make about food safety versus mere entertainment is countered with "There's nothing wrong with that freezer" or "A little freezer burn never hurt anybody" or "Ice cream is supposed to be scoopable" or "That just means things don't take as long to defrost, that's not a bad thing".

Standoff. 

Big Guy's take on things is that we need a new television but I want a new freezer for no good reason that he can see.

My take on things is that we need a new freezer, and a new television after we replace the freezer would be nice if we can afford it.

And people wonder why he doesn't know I have a nice healthy savings account ....

Weekend Reflections

Today is Ostara, the Spring Equinox.  The sun is shining, birds are chirping on the clothesline, buds are coming out on the trees, and the rhubarb actually survived the winter.

It feels like a good day to reflect on where I've been, where I am now and how I got here, and where I want to be and how to get there.

Spring  -  a traditional time for new beginnings of every kind.  A good time to take a look at what my goals were when I started blogging, and decide what worked, what didn't, and what new goals might be more appropriate.

Goal  -  get another job. 

DONE!!!  And I couldn't be happier with it!

Goal  -  quit smoking. 

No success there yet  -  I have cut down some, though, and I feel myself getting closer to actually being ready to quit.

Goal  -  lose weight. 

A little success, but I think it's time to stop focusing on the numbers on the scale, and put the energy into an overall pattern of living a healthier life.  Yes, I know, that would include giving up smoking.  But it also includes things I'm ready to do now.  Giving up "junk" food / empty-calorie-laden snacks, and walking more instead of jumping in the car.  That will be much easier now that winter is pretty much over.  Walking with my shopping cart to do all the errands didn't have much appeal when the weather choices were icy cold rain, icy cold windy rain, below-zero windy slush ...

Goal  -  de-clutter the house and keep it that way.  

Progress is being made, but so slowly it's hard to see without referring back to my "before" pictures.  There are days when I want to pile everyone else's junk in the middle of the yard and tell them to deal with it without just scattering it randomly back in the house.  There are days when I firmly believe that the house won't look the way I'd like it to until J moves out and Big Guy dies.  But every now and then there's a day when someone actually agrees with me that something can go, or pitches in and cleans a little of their mess themselves.  Those are days I treasure, rare as they are.

Goal  -  use what I already have to expand / improve my wardrobe. 

That's going very slowly, due to constrains of time and available working space.  The "improve" part is moving along nicely ... this week I weeded more clothes, and have two more bags of donations to drop off.  I've decided that it doesn't matter how much I like a garment  -  if it doesn't go with at least three other things I own, I'm not keeping it.

For office wear, I'm down to a base of slacks and jackets in neutral colours  -  greys, black, dark blues, and creams/tans/khaki.  Shoes?  Three pairs black, one pair navy, one pair tan.  Maybe later this year I'll throw some dark forest green or bitter-chocolate brown into the mix.  This neutral base will give me a lot more leeway in choosing colours and patterns for tops and accessories ... I'm all about scarves, actually; I have them in all kinds of fabrics, patterns, colours, sizes, and textures!  Now I'm looking forward to making myself lots of nice sweaters, shells, tanks, and tunics to coordinate with the neutrals.

My current sweater project fits so perfectly into this plan that I must confess I've even done a little gloating about it!  It's a longish tunic-y style pullover in shades of cream, charcoal, dusty pale blue, and cafe-au-lait that will look great with every pair of office slacks I have.  It'll look great with jeans.  It'll look great under a blazer or by itself.  And by this time next week, it'll be finished  -  last night I got the shoulder seams sewn up and the neckband knitted on, which just leaves the sleeves and side seams.  I can't wait to post a picture of it!

Goal  -  to spend less time just watching television and more time actually doing things.

This one shouldn't be that difficult.  These days there are fewer programs I actually enjoy enough that I'd miss them if they disappeared.  I need to get back into the habit of not sitting down in front of the television without something to occupy my hands, whether it's a knitting/sewing/craft project, or mending, or laundry to fold.  Or maybe put some music on, instead of the television, when all I really need is background noise.

Goal  -  get the basement cleaned out so we can start putting in the family room we've been talking about for years.

This is going very slowly  -  in fact, it's almost at a standstill right now.  I'm breaking it down into " mini-goals", for lack of a better word.  First, I want to get all of my own stuff out ... except for the big steel rack holding all the canning jars and gear, and the boxes of home-canned food.  Technically, the canning stuff is all mine  -  but in actual usage it's for the whole family's benefit, like the freezer.

I've been working with J  -  when she can spare the time  -  to get all of her stuff out, whether it's organized into bins in the attic, donated, or whatever.

What I'm aiming for is the day when Big Guy once again claims that he can't do anything in the basement yet because "there's too much crap in the way."  I will smile sweetly and reply in dulcet tones, "Yes, dear, and all of it is yours."

Changing It Up

The past sixteen months were a time of profound changes here.

I lost my job.
My Mom injured her back and then got sick.
My Dad died.
Our "baby" J graduated from culinary school.
I got a new job that I like much better than the old one.
Big Guy's sister-in-law died.
I started one home-based business and ditched another one that just wasn't working for me.

There was also time for a lot of introspection and reflection  -  a reassessment of myself and my life, if you will.  And I made some discoveries, and some decisions, and some changes.

I no longer go into a tizzy if my house isn't spotless when friends come over.  They come to see us, not to inspect the baseboards.
I no longer go to bed fretting over the things that didn't get done.  They'll get done tomorrow.  Or the next day.  Or never.
Every day I find something to appreciate about Big Guy, and something to thank him for.  And I really mean it.
Being thin doesn't matter, and weight is just a number on a scale. Being healthier, feeling good, having the energy to do what I want to do  -  that's what matters.
Everyone needs "down time"  -  to relax, recharge the mental batteries, or just let go of things that aren't important enough to waste time stewing over.  I no longer feel guilty about "wasting" time if I sit at the computer and just play games or surf the net for a little while.  And I'm a lot less cranky.

Those were big attitude changes for me  -  changes that made me feel better about life and about myself.

We've made some changes in the way things get done around here, too.

We're being choosier when we shop  -  we're more carefully seeking out items with less packaging, and with packaging that's completely recyclable, and more locally-produced food.  If we can't find what we need that meets those criteria, then we look for something else that does, that will fit the need.  For instance, if we want a cucumber but the only ones in the store are imported and/or shrink-wrapped  -  we get locally-grown zucchini instead.

We're more often asking "Do we really need that?"  It's surprising how often the answer is "No".  And right along with that goes "Do we really need a new _____ ?"  More often than not, again, the answer is "No, we can fix this one."

We're wasting even less food  -  Big Guy does almost all the cooking, and he's slowly learning that he doesn't need to cook the huge quantities he used to for every meal.  Now he cooks either just enough for the one meal, or enough extra to fit into planned second meals (either work lunches, or dinner the next day).  Sometimes we'll spend a weekend cooking in bulk, and freezing the results in one-meal portions.  And we never shop without a list any more.

We're much better at remembering to take the reusable shopping bags everywhere, now that we have enough of them to keep some by the door, some in the car, some in the truck, and a couple in my purse.  The coupon folder now lives in my purse as well, instead of in a desk drawer.

And  -  this one was huge in terms of attitudes  -  I finally managed to show him that we don't need to spend a lot of money, or have a huge pile of presents under the tree, to have a really good Christmas.  I think he finally, really understands what I meant all these years when I kept saying "It's not about things.  It's about the people we love."